I noticed that I reach for my phone whenever I am on my own. For instance, when I enter my room, I use my phone to wind down by going on social media. In-between work, when I take breaks I open my phone. I usually reach for it whenever there is a text notification when I am alone. However, when I am in public, I rarely reach for my phone. Unless someone keeps buzzing my phone with texts or calls, I almost never reach for my phone to check texts or scroll. Something I feel proud of, is that I have never scrolled on social media in public or with friends. I have never felt the need to. I have always stayed present with the people I am with.
I usually reach for my phone at the start and end of the day.
When my alarm rings, I snooze the alarm, and the flood of notifications leads me to open social media apps. I start with checking texts and eventually start scrolling on Instagram. Before going to bed, I usually scroll on Youtube or Instagram, until I start falling asleep. It’s turned into a pattern where I cannot fall asleep without stimulus on my phone. Mainly, because my mind floods with thoughts before bedtime, which keeps me anxious and awake. And then, I have a hard time sleeping. However, when I am on my phone, scrolling or listening to a podcast, I can keep my thoughts at bay and fall asleep. It’s a tricky pattern, but it’s turned into a routine at ths point.
Now, why and when do I reach for my phone? It’s usually when I am bored, exhausted from socializing, after class, after I have had an argument, or when I am feeling heavy intense emotions. Instead of sitting with emotions that feel difficult, I usually instantly reach for my phone, to either seek distraction or regulate myself through an external source. When I am scrolling, and my feed shows something from home, I feel like I am close to home. The food from Mumbai, the festival celebrations, or the problems back home. Everything helps me stay connected as an International student. After scrolling, sometimes I start panicking about the amount of time I spent scrolling. I realize that I could have used that time for something better, like meeting up with friends, creating community, working of academics or career. It’s interesting that whenever I am on my phone, it feels great! And it feels alright if I was on it for 15-ish minutes. However, when it turns into an hour or beyond, it feels concerning. It also influences my world-view and my self-image.
Day 4
What For?
I instantly noticed the vacuum created without social media apps on my phone. At night, before going to bed, I instantly reached out for my phone. I caught myself in that instant, wait, I don’t have these apps on my phone anymore! I stood there in silence for a minute. I glanced at my work desk. Looked at my iPad, I can watch YouTube for a bit on my iPad. I reached for it and held it in my hands for a second. And then, I hesitated for a moment. I should not be doing this. I kept my iPad back on my desk and slipped into my bed. I picked up my phone instantly. And I thought to myself that I could just scroll through WhatsApp. It was odd that for the first time, I noticed that I needed to scroll through something. Through anything. Especially before bed. In the past, when I had deleted Instagram, I would scroll through YouTube. But this time, I didn’t even have YouTube. I usually hate checking texts and responding to them before bedtime, so WhatsApp did not feel like a good idea. I kept my phone aside and tried to close my eyes. However, I had a hard time falling asleep.
Why Now?
I need to scroll, because I don’t wanna hear my thoughts or feel my feelings right before bedtime. It keeps me awake. It doesn’t feel good. That’s when all the life’s decisions, memories, regrets, and future worries start surfacing. I don’t want to run through these thoughts right before bedtime!
What Else?
I could just read a book. I could journal. I could listen to a podcast on my music app.
Journal Entry #2
Upon completing Week 2 of the Digital Detox Challenge, I came to realize the value of resistance. Resisting the demands that technology places on us. Resisting the addiction imposed on us. Resisting the strategies of the Tech Giants and the agenda of Silicon Valley. Resisting the systems designed for “consumption”.
I realized so much of the wiring is subtly done by the device and social media to keep us hooked. For instance, just choosing the “black and white” color scheme for my apps keeps me from spending too much time on them. It’s a quiet and small kind of resistance to the invisible puppet strings that keep us hooked using addictive designs such as bright colors.
“It’s so hard to know even what your own thoughts are, what your own language is, what your own voice is, what your own feelings are, are you sure they’re your own feelings…or did you just get it out of Facebook or Instagram”
It is about resisting the subtle rewiring of our cognitions, thoughts and feelings about matters of the word and ourselves that slowly seep through our devices and social media. And what matters to me is resistance. I refuse to be a puppet controlled by the system. I refuse to let someone sitting in a position of power control my worldviews and instill in me insecurities and self-doubt. I refuse to play into the facade of appearances. I refuse to live an inauthentic life. I refuse the gradual instillation of isolation in my life. I refuse to be hooked. I refuse this unnatural “escape” granted to me by my devices and apps. I refuse the “unconsciousness” I feel every waking moment. I refuse real-life disconnection. I refuse to be swayed by propaganda on social media.
I choose to seek real human connection. I choose to let myself do the thinking and creating. I choose to have my own thoughts on matters and choose to feel my feelings instead of escaping them through the virtual world. I choose to listen to my own voice over getting lost in the noise of thoughts and emotions that I am not even sure are my own to begin with.
I choose to be human.
Journal Entry #3
The exercise from Day 15, on practicing presence by mindfulness, and taking a moment to breathe, pause, and think, was such a simple yet powerful technique. The self-regulation of emotions can also help practice self-control of decisions, and sometimes one can appear before either and change the action and outcome altogether. Whenever I started feeling anxious, stressed, or low, I reached out for my phone in an instant to help me soothe my feelings by escaping them. In those moments, I took a breath and understood what I was feeling, and replaced the scrolling with getting out of my seat and walking out without my phone. I wondered if I continue doing that every time, it will make such a huge difference in my wiring! I can practice the muscle of building resilience.
The Day 16 exercise on pausing and sitting in stillness and silence did not seem so tough for me. It is easy for me to wait in line in the dining hall, for the elevator, while doing laundry, cooking, or any other still activities, without checking my phone. I am someone who can usually be seated or standing somewhere for several minutes- observing my surroundings and people, and thinking. However, in moments of high anxiety or awkwardness, especially when I am alone in a social space where everyone is accompanied by someone, I tend to pull out my phone, just to come across like I am doing something. That feeling is what I need to learn to tolerate- being seen as alone. It’s something that several people my age are afraid to do. This is where I still need to learn to be ok being “still”.
These are some exercises for me to keep in mind while I am going to be practicing the Digital Detox: Pause, Breathe, Be Still, Embrace the Emotions, Take Alternative Actions. Moreover, I want to use that time to also understand myself, especially in the context of my relationship with Technology. I plan to be in the moment with friends, play games, read, and sometimes just BE. Whether that’s sitting and observing or thinking and writing. I want to sit and talk to people, but also talk to my thoughts. In the past, I have felt time really really slow down when I was at a dinner having a conversation for hours with people completely phone-free. Without exaggeration, what felt like “a day” was actually 3 to 4 hours. The most surprising part isn’t the fact that I can spend time with people without screens. Instead, it is the speed and perception of time that change. Everything slows down. I feel like I have so much time. And it is all being spent so well- building connections and learning from conversations! And that is one of my intentions, to build connections and grow from witnessing and talking to people. There is so much learning in doing, but also so much learning in taking notice, observing, witnessing, and being. These are also the stages that usually come before doing.
And this is exactly one of my philosophies: practice resistance through resting. By Being instead of Doing. A world where leisure has become a commodity, a luxury, I want to defy that and see for myself how I can practice it in the moment. No matter the place or the time, leisure can be experienced. I have been curious about “cultivating it as a practice”, and what that can look like. And I feel like that is going to be my Resistance to the Capitalization and Commodification of my Time, Attention, Labor and Leisure.
